The hardest thing in life is to give up a part of you. Some would look at this as giving up money or even giving up your independence to be with someone for the rest of your life. This is not what I am referring to. I am referring to giving up a part of your soul and life. It is giving up a part of your life that you did not know would mean so much. Giving up my child for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My decision came months before I gave birth to a child I was not going to be able to see grow up. It was before I would see her smile and hold her tiny body. It was before I would look into her eyes and pray for forgiveness. It was before I knew that this was the right decision. My decision took every bit of courage, bravery, and prayer. The situation that my life took on was not where I wanted my last child to be in. My other children have taken on the role of strong will and courage. A tiny body that had just seen the light of the world was not at that level yet. My life included a first time father that did not deserve the title. The verbal and physical abuse is something I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Adoption was not my first choice, but it was an option. I am so glad that I connected with KidsFirst Adoption Services. They helped me so much through the entire process. I thank God for how comforting they were before I had my baby, during, and even after. I was connected to KidsFirst by a friend of mine who had experience with them. They put love in everything they do. After getting connected with them they provided me with transportation to and from my doctor’s appointments. They were there to make sure me and the baby were alright. I was given the choice to pick the adoption parents. This is one thing I loved the most. Thoughts raced in my head as I thought about which family to choose. Who can show my child as much love as I have for them? Who will protect her from harm? Who will take care of her and give her everything she wants and needs? That is when I decided on a small Caucasian family. Some people would question why I would choose to put my African American child with a family of the opposite race. Well for all of you who don’t know, love has no color. Love looks beyond what the world sees. Love shines within. The family was very nice, but the dad is the one who made my decision.
Reflecting on the situation with my child’s father, I knew that a father is what was needed. A mother is engraved with that love, but a father has to have it too. My child’s father did not have it at all. This father had all that love and not only for the baby, but for me. He shared with me that he loved me and the baby no matter what the sex of the baby was. I knew then that everything would be alright. January came around and so did she. My selected family even let me name her. Nevaeh is what I called her. Heaven is beautiful and so is she. Everywhere I turned I had support, not only from the adoption family, but KidsFirst. As I was in the hospital, they were there to make sure my family was alright. They made sure they were watched over and fed. It has been two years since her birth. The decision I made was not for me, but for us. This was the hardest thing I have done and it will never be easy. A thought of her not being here with me and my family hurts. It is something that will be with me forever, but I know she is being taken care of. My love for her will never change. If there is one thing I learned, it is “adoption isn’t a birthmother’s rejection but an unconditional love that inspires her to put herself last and do all she for her baby.” (Mary Hines)